Each time the tabloids mention Germany, you can be certain that someone in the newsroom has chanted, with Clarksonian glee: ‘Two world wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah’. It’s a ritual thing and, to be fair, based on pretty accurate historical data.

But England has a far, far older national enemy, one which, had it been victorious just under 200 years ago, would probably have meant us eating gastropods for breakfast, lunch and tea and speaking with outrageous accents. Or worse. That Napoleon was crushed, defeated, humiliated and finished forever in 1815 at Waterloo, saved us from a ghastly fate as well as ensuring that we now drive on the correct side of the road. And, bearing in mind that we had been at war with France for much of the previous 800 years, it was a decisive result that has seen no effective comeback. So far…

Sadly for Regimental historians and tabloid subs alike, this great victory was not down to the English alone. We became the greatest trading nation ever not just because, at around 7.30 in the evening, the Brigade of Foot Guards rose like avenging angels to slaughter the French Imperial Guard and sent them scampering away. More truthfully, it was because Blucher and his Prussian army, the owners and architects of modern Germany, arrived at around 3.00pm that we won Waterloo.

I take nothing away from Wellington with this account. He was clearly one of the greatest of England’s great war commanders and we should be grateful both for his military success and invention of that outstandingly practical item of eponymous footwear. But it is quite clear: no Prussians and it would have been a case of “Whose turn is it to force-feed the goose?” in the rural underbelly of Britain.

A close examination of the relevant history indicates that the Germans have, over the years, proved to be better friends to England than the French (Vichy anyone?). They did themselves no good whatsoever by listening to those two murderous loonies, Kaiser Wilhelm and Charlie Chaplin’s double, instead of shooting both. The consequences of those failures are self-evidently serious and no laughing matter.

One cannot help but feel that the present squabble about the Euro and its attendant consequences on the working economies in the EU could more easily be solved if David Cameron and Angela Merkel cosied up, so to speak, and put another diminutive Frenchman in his place. Is there a vacant slot on Elba?

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